apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
