I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
