If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
