did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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