My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
