I can text with my tongue
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
