Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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