every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
