I wish life had little blips of pornography
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
