I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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