nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
