I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
