i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
