i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize