Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
