also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
