Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
