I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
