I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
