She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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