We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
