So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
