I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
