Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
