I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
