I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
