i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
