I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Boobs speak an international language.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
