Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
