I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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