Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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