I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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