One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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