the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
