i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
