I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
