Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
