She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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