sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
