You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
