youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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