She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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