just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
