We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
