Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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