Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
