I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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