Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The chlamydia really affected his face.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize