I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
