I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
