I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
