He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
